I'm not dead, really.

It's been a whole quarter of mayhem and blessings. It's just a matter of attaining and maintaining the right perspective on what life throws at you. If she gives you lemons, make lemonade. On a side note, I made lemonade with a hint of human blood from scratch the other day because I was zesting some lemons for a brown sugar rub that I was going to use in my salmon and I ended up zesting a part of my thumb in the process. Since I didn't want to waste the lemons, I decided to squeeze the juice with my bare hands, and some of the run off ran over the open wound. My thumb was subsequently disinfected, and a part of me became one with the lemonade. Tasty, nonetheless.

As a music student at UCLA, it's easy to underestimate your work load, since classes are easy and it's easy to just get by. Until winter quarter hits. Winter quarter is opera season for the UCLA Philharmonia, and of all pieces our music director decides to have us play Mozart's Marriage of Figaro. It really is an amazing piece of music, until you have to physically play it. If you know Mozart, you know that the delicacy required to play his music can take a real toll on the body. Nine hour rehearsals, plus four performances of his three hour masterpiece added up, leaving my back and arms aching for hours afterward. In addition, I had my junior recital to worry about. Finding a pianist to play the Clarke sonata was no easy task, as my first pianist simply was unwilling to learn the part. It was a rather frantic time, calling various accompanists from other schools to see if they could play. In a last ditch effort, I asked Kanae to learn and perform it with me, ten days before my recital. If you're not familiar with the sonata, the piano part is no walk in the park, so it reallly was amazing to watch her steadily progress each rehearsal from sightreading the part to playing it proficiently. Listening to the playback recording, it's clear that there are a few mishaps in her part but I can't really blame her considering how much time she had to prepare it. Top this all off with rehearsals for my gluck trio and my clarinet quintet and you have yourself an exhausted violist with no time to play for himself. In spite of all this, I've learned that I shouldn't be taking for granted the playing opportunities that I've been given. I also can't let my guard down. It's so easy to get frustrated or be late to rehearsals. And I have, but what kind of witness am I being if I do that? God placed me as a music major at UCLA for a purpose, and that is to be a testament of His grace. I need to do my best to show the world what I'm living for. After all, we're supposed to be the light of the world and salt of the earth, right?

Ministry has been a trial as well. Leading a small group isn't easy, but I wasn't expecting it to be. But it's such a rewarding path that God's lead me down. My guys are two relatively new believers. I come from such a different background than the two of them. I was born into a Christian family, and they're all so firmly rooted in Christ as well. My small group guys come from backgrounds with so much brokenness. With our backgrounds in mind, it's really difficult to even relate to them. At times there were points where I would think to myself, "why do they think like that, don't they understand that Jesus can trade all our sorrows for joy?" Why CCM's core team decided to set me as their leader is beyond me, but I have to maintain a humble mindset about it. I know my own heart and the darkness that it's capable of. I know that I'm capable of judging and sinning. I know that I'm not fit to lead. But I know that if God appoints me, then He'll use me in His mysterious ways to disciple and mentor Evan and Daniel closer to God. So really it's not me who's leading, but it's God working through me. That said, it's an interesting experience, watching their faith grow. C.J. Mahaney once said that we should follow in the angel's examples and rejoice when someone comes to know Christ. They don't even have to be walking, rejoice when they're just facing in the right direction. Rejoice when they're shuffling forward with God. And then let the party really start when they start walking on their own. It's so encouraging to even see them facing in the right direction. I know that I have to continue my job as a discipler and mature them, letting God use me to help them on their way as they crawl and eventually walk on their own. It's seriously one of most rewarding challenges I've ever faced in my entire life. I just hope that spring quarter turns out even better. As challenging as it has been, as many struggles as I've had in my own brokenness, I must remain faithful to Him, knowing that it is my faithfulness that justifies me and not my works, for if it was my works then I would have failed from the very moment I was appointed a small group leader. (sorry for that last part, I just read Galatians very recently.)

Viewing their backgrounds, I realized how lucky I am. I know that I take my family for granted a lot. My parents, and both of my older sisters are in such stable marriages, our extended family are devout Christians, and they're just all such good examples for me to follow my life by. A few weeks ago, my brother-in-law Jack had a complication from an ulcer that landed him in the hospital. While initially the incident was rather humorous because he was updating his facebook status from his beloved iPhone on the ambulance ride as well as going into the E.R., it was definitely an ordeal for La Verne as she tried to cope with the situation of having her husband in mortal peril. And while it was a frightening situation, at the same time it was just such a blessing to see my family come together to offer support through advice, consoling, and prayer as La Verne and Jack tried to get through this. Another incident of that demonstrated how my family is so close-knit was during my other brother-in-law's unemployment phase. When Paul lost his job, the first thing that my dad and Jack did was offer financial assistance while the rest of my family offered support in prayer. I feel so blessed to be in a family where I have so many great role models to learn in example from.

The biggest factor tying all these aspects of my life together is learning to maintain a positive, Christlike attitude through it all. It seems so easy to just give up to physical and emotional exhaustion, but you can't let your spiritual life suffer as well. It's an upward battle maintaining your spirit in a way that shows God's glory as a result of your struggles. Stay strong, and let God be glorified.